Dear Diary
You don’t know me yet, but you will. I have stated writing
to you in a last stand to preserve my sanity and possibly the English language.
All day long I have to suffer in silence while my owner abuses me to type out
inane sentences that could not possibly make sense to anyone except possibly a
cro-magnon.
Today she spent the whole day browsing facebook, pausing
only to comment on her equally stupid friends’ statuses. Every time she types
in those extra vowels, I cringe. I wish I was a typewriter so that I could
pretend my keys had got stuck. But alas, I’m a well-oiled (metaphorically – as
oil would not be a good idea) machine and I can flawlessly type out garbage
words like ‘awweeeeee”. I think this was in response to someone’s posting of a
kitten. She clearly meant it as an accentuated way of saying ‘awww’ (which is
an acceptable exclamation on spotting something cute) but ended up typing
something that when said out loud indicates that you have fallen and hurt yourself;
quite possibly in the cerebrum.
I don’t understand humans. If my owner is to be taken as an
example of intelligent life on the planet, then I wish someone actually would pour oil on me so that I can stop
enabling her idiocy.
So you see diary, I think I need you around so that I have
someone to listen to me at the end of a hard day’s work.
More tomorrow,
Yours,
KU-0316
