Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Dear vowel abusers,

I can't help but observe that many of you seem to be in the habit of appending multiple vowels at the end of each word in a misguided attempt to emphasize said word. For example, you add a gazzillion "e"s to the end of the word "nice" simply because you want to stress the word nice. You do realise that this bastard word you have spawned can only be pronounced as "nicey", and that too by suspending reality for a few seconds? what the hell is wrong with you people? There are other, better ways of getting attention. Jumping off a skyscraper, for one. I'm willing to bet that the view on the way down would indeed be nice.

Emotiwant

(part deux of this)

So by a superhuman effort I avoided using these chaps for two whole days. But i felt listless, incomplete and strangely repressed. I kept wondering "can people understand me?"; "do they think i'm pissed off because there's no smiley at the end of the snarky message i just sent?"; "have i lost all my friends in one fell swoop?". by the end of last night i was reduced to a gibbering paranoid idiot.

okay so i may have exaggerated a bit in the above paragraph. but in all honesty, i did feel slightly repressed. i think i have gotten so used to appending a little squiggly face to my sentences to assure people that i mean no harm. to dull the bluntness of my words. and without, i feel misunderstood. such a strange dilemma. are we so inept at expressing ourselves that we need a pictorial representation of what we just said as well? whatever the reason, i am retracting my pact of not using emoticons. of course i will try not use them as sluttily as i did before, but in a more chaste, productive way.

:)

Emotinot

Starting today I have decided to stop using emoticons. I have realised that I have come to depend on them way too much and even use them as a shield to mask my real emotions. No more! I shall henceforth be forthright, articulate and user proper punctuation. No more of the squiggly faces. If people can't understand my mood from the way i write then I'm a lousy writer and need to go sit in a corner and seriously think about a career change.

Also, being a certified emotitard, I wasn't using them buggers properly anyway.

(author's note: being emotitarded is a legitimate handicap and people suffering from it should not be mocked in any way. After much research scientists have concluded that this could be a side effect of literacy; another abnormal aberration that unfortunately has no cure. )

(author's other note: this is not an easy habit to beak, and I might slip up along the way. If you catch me typing in colon/bracket when I have no reason to do so, please feel free to kick me.)

UPDATE: This shit be hard, yo.

The LOL That Launched a Thousand Slips

Did the internet spawn anything more annoying than the LOL? I thinketh not.

Seriously, when someone types in “I crashed my car yesterday” the correct response is not “lol”. But if, for example, you take a look at facebook, no matter what the status update is, there is at least one LoLer amongst the respondents. These are probably the same idiots who hit the ‘like’ button irrespective of whether the post is a positive one or not. Hitting the ‘like’ button does not convey sympathy you morons, it means you like what’s happened. And if someone’s dog has died, and you like it, I’m calling the AWPA.

So getting back to the LoLs, I personally believe that unless something actually makes you Laugh out Loud there is no excuse for using it. But unfortunately, there are LoLs abound everywhere we look. It’s used as an alternative response when no other response is forthcoming, out of laziness or the inability to actually put together a coherent sentence. The LoL is like the retarded half brother of the smiley.

To be fair, most people do use it as a positive response to something funny. But if you think about it, was the funny statement actually deserving of out-loud-laughter? Maybe we can come up with something more suitable like LIE (Laughing Inside Endlessly) or GUWAW (Giggling Uncontrollably While At Work). Truth be told, whatever was said on the other end probably only made you smile. In which case you can jolly well use a smiley face and be done with it.