Krakow! Krakow!

Men aren’t from Mars, they’re from the planet Zorg. Why? Because that’s where Spaceman Spiff hangs out and every man is Spaceman Spiff at heart.
Remember that emphatic phrase used by Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire? “You complete me” he said. What demented hack came up with that tosh? Would you ever catch a red-blooded male uttering such a girly sentiment? I don’t think so. Mind you, that sort of thing probably had women swooning in the aisles and groping for the Kleenex at the movies. Heck, I guess we all wish we had a Jerry Maguire in our lives but unfortunately Homo-Maguire doesn’t exist. Nope it’s just a figment of some crazed scriptwriter’s imagination. And seriously, where would we be if men started going around actually saying things like that? At the nearest shrink probably, asking him why Tom, Dick or Montgomery is baking cookies in the kitchen wearing a flowered apron and singing I’m Every Woman.

As hard as it is to face up to facts, we must. Men don’t have a sentiment gene. Their natural hunter-gatherer instincts prevent it. Which is probably a good thing in a way because otherwise a typical food foraging incident might have gone something like this;

Unga: “ugh eargh Bantha boh!” (Look Bantha, antelopes!)
Bantha: “greonk! Bugh wagga boing boing” (Meat! Looks like I’m getting lucky tonight!)
Unga: “geee waaah” (let’s get them)

They draw closer to their prey

Unga: “awda wada poo” (oh look at their cute little tails)
Bantha: “dinky goo gaa” (and their pretty eyes)
Both: “awwwwww”

…and the human race would have come to a sorry end by starving to death.

Women who often complain that men aren’t sensitive enough just don’t get it. It’s not that men aren’t sensitive (try kneeing them in the noogas to see just how sensitive they are) it’s that their level of sensitivity doesn’t conform to ours. When we have a problem we feel the need to talk about it. Men don’t do that. When something is bothering them they either try to find a solution to it or they will dismiss it as being unsolvable and move on – usually towards the TV. There’s no in-between stage of wallowing and crying and why-me’s for them. When they try to apply the same process to our problems we perceive them as being insensitive. Face it girls, men don’t listen. In fact, their sense of hearing is bit dulled. Why do you think, as men grow older, they start sprouting hair in their ears? It’s a defense mechanism devised by nature to gradually block out sound.

So why are men like Spaceman Spiff? Because whenever a man encounters an uncomfortable situation, his eyes glaze over and his breathing slows down as he slowly calculates the distance between the nozzle of his Atomic Napalm Neutralizer and the Graknil lumbering towards him.

Who's your donkey?

This whole man-woman relationship thing is one I never get tired of writing about. It's crazy how different the two sexes really are. The thought process; from pre-relationship to in-relationship to post-relationship are so different you wonder how the in-relationship bit worked without going poof and leaving your face all blackened.
The pre-relationship stage for the female generally consists of evaluating the male. The evaluation process will consists of a long check list containing all or some of the following:
1) Appearance
2) What he drives
3) Where he works
4) Where he studied
5) Whether his finger/toe nails are clean
6) Whether he has facial hair
7) Whether he doesn’t have facial hair and why
8) Whether his ears and nose are proportionate to the rest of his face
9) How he eats
10) Whether he drinks
11) Whether he doesn’t drink and if so why
12) How many siblings he has
13) If there are male siblings, whether they are more attractive than him
And so on ad infinitum.
The males however just go,
"Donkey?”
“Pin the tail?”
“Oh, um,” (points) “here."
which is why halfway through the relationship they start to wonder,
“Where am I?”
“Who does this donkey belong to?”