Foolproof Breakup Plan #1

in response to the adverse comments of a certain critic (who really should know better) i have decided to add a footnote to this post.

1) dumper sends the dumpee an email which will contain :

• a heads up to him/her of the breakup.
• reason for breakup (if applicable).
• an attachment consisting of an mp3 of godsmack's "i stand alone"*.

2) Upon receipt of the email:

• dumpee reads the email.
• weeps, and goes through other recognized motions of a dramatic display of grief.
• wipes the tears away and notices the attachment.
• proceeds to play the song.
• plays it a second time, this time singing along loudly and unmelodiously
• feels better.
• calls up a mate and goes to the pub for a beer.

can't go wrong. seriously.

------------------------------------

* The song maybe customised according to the music tastes of the dumpee. (but honestly, if he/she doesn't like godsmack why were you dating him/her in the first place i ask. )

The Lost Clause

Good evening and welcome to news at six.

This year kids around the world might face disappointment on Christmas morning. Mr. Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus has been reported missing. A distraught Mrs. Kringle told reporters today that for a while she has been noticing certain erratic behavior in her husband. In the end, she had enlisted the services of a private detective, but so far had received no news as to his whereabouts. The elves have been sent around on a worldwide hunt and the reindeer are scouting from the air for any signs of the beloved old man.

Wait, this just in: Mrs Kringle is currently on a phone call with our studio executives and she has said she received a telegram from the detective she had hired. We are waiting for her to fax it to us. Ah, here it is (thank you Trisha).

And it says: “ Santa Claus in rehab; too many Ho Ho Hos.”

Cat Murder Mystery - UPDATE!

This just in!

Tom Cat has fled the scene of the crime. Girlfriend bereft.

The victim was interred today in a private ceremony presided over by an udella and my cousin's home-help boy.

Police have sent out an APB for Tom Cat but suspect that he has fled the country on a forged passport.

Felinus Expirus Maximus

There's a dead cat in our garden. I know it's dead because I compared it to a live cat. A live cat (Fig A), when you poke it with a stick, tends to wiggle and look at you quizzically, as if to say “why are you poking me with a stick?”. A dead one (Fig B) however, doesn't much care.

From the positioning of the body I suspect the neighbouring Tom Cat (who is the current paramour of the wild cat that inhabits our garden) murdered him in a jealous rage and cleverly positioned the body under a fallen coconut tree to stage a suicide attempt. I however, am privy to the fact that the coconut tree fell down the day before the fateful event.

I’m onto you Tom Cat, I gots my eye on you.

Who's your donkey?

This whole man-woman relationship thing is one I never get tired of writing about. It's crazy how different the two sexes really are. The thought process; from pre-relationship to in-relationship to post-relationship are so different you wonder how the in-relationship bit worked without going poof and leaving your face all blackened.
The pre-relationship stage for the female generally consists of evaluating the male. The evaluation process will consists of a long check list containing all or some of the following:
1) Appearance
2) What he drives
3) Where he works
4) Where he studied
5) Whether his finger/toe nails are clean
6) Whether he has facial hair
7) Whether he doesn’t have facial hair and why
8) Whether his ears and nose are proportionate to the rest of his face
9) How he eats
10) Whether he drinks
11) Whether he doesn’t drink and if so why
12) How many siblings he has
13) If there are male siblings, whether they are more attractive than him
And so on ad infinitum.
The males however just go,
"Donkey?”
“Pin the tail?”
“Oh, um,” (points) “here."
which is why halfway through the relationship they start to wonder,
“Where am I?”
“Who does this donkey belong to?”

Pani Pol

I was asked to contribute toward the jokes and recipes sections for the company newsletter so I thought I'd combine the two and write a funny recipe instead. Unfortunately the editorial powers that be didn't have a sense of humour and my offering was rejected.