The Walking Bread

I’ve turned into a Walker. A lumbering beast that follows a pack, aimlessly straggling down a marked course with only one mission: get to the end of it, and then turn around and walk back again.

Okay so it’s not as dramatic as all that.  But I have, sad to say, resorted to walking since I simply can’t muster up the motivation to engage in any other form of exercise at the moment. And this is not normal for me as those who know me well (about 2 people) will attest. But the truth is, my motivation to work out fluctuates. For the last few years it’s been a cycle of:

1. Gain weight
2. Get horrified by the weight gain
3. Frantically research new training schedules  
4. Get myself to the gym regularly and even (gasp!) do cardio
5. Eat better
6. Lose the weight
7. Feel fantastic
8. Get complacent
9. Skip a workout now and then because I think I can ‘get away with it’
10. Stop working out for a few weeks because<random excuse>
11. Start eating junk because I’m sad that I’m not working out
12. Gain weight
13. Go back to 2

I have now reached a new low where I can’t even get back to 2. For the last few months I have been stuck in a vicious loop of 11 to 13. So great is my shame that walking actually feels like a step up. “You’re doing fine.” I tell myself as I trudge along. “Look at you walking! You’re moving your body from one place to another with your legs! You’re awesome!”

These days I’m actually using a designated ‘walking area’. It’s nice because you don’t have to dodge traffic but it’s also a bit sad – seeing as about ninety percent of the people on it are senior citizens. The rest of them consist of:

• Two serious runners
• Three power walkers - you know how Pheboe runs? Well these people walk like that
• One headscarf wearing man
• One woman wearing a serviette on her head. I’m not kidding. Remember that kind of checked serviettes that your uncle who was a government clerk used to carry in his briefcase? That type of serviette.  (Okay fine, so it was my uncle who was the government clerk but you get the point.)
• One guy in sandals – who probably got lost on his way to the bus stop
• One guy walks with his head tilted like an actual zombie (why do zombies do that?)
• Me

Despite these deterrents, I have been persevering – for exactly three days. And I’m writing this because: 

1.  I wanted to use The Walking Bread in a title so very badly.
2. I’m actually kinda sorta proud of myself for doing something other than going back to sleep after getting the offspring to the school bus.
3. Using lists makes this look longer than it actually is so I can pretend I wrote something worthy.

The one good thing about these walks is that when the zombie apocalypse finally comes, and my car runs out of petrol during my escape, I will be able to walk miles and miles till I find a replacement vehicle – provided of course that it’s only 3.5 kilometers away.

Get your very own Walking Bread t-shirt! Order now!

"I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar."

When I was small I wanted to marry someone called John. This was mainly because I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to communicate properly with someone who didn’t speak English and John seemed like a safe bet. I also made myself a promise that I would never marry someone with Perera as the surname (I had an uncle with that surname who used to tease me a lot – and I thought all Pereras were related to him). I was quite happy with my well laid plans; it seemed quite unlikely that a John Perera would ever come into my life after all.

So what did I grow up and do? I married Shane Perera of course.

Being married was hard; being married was wonderful; being married to you, it opened me up to a whole new world of experiences, and made me into a bigger better person. It gave me the capacity to love strongly, and more importantly, to be able to express that love openly. For a shy girl who earlier couldn’t even utter a simple ‘I love you’ without tying myself in knots – that was a major freakin’ deal.

It didn’t last, but so what; that doesn’t take away what was. What it made me be. And no matter what form of love mine has evolved to, it’s there and it always will be. You opened up a side of yourself to me that quite possibly only one other person in the world has ever seen. One of the things that make my insides wrench is that Abbster won’t ever get to see you as I saw you. But she has so much of you in her. She makes me stop in my tracks when she mimics a mannerism or even says something that’s just so you. With her, I don’t know where I end and you begin and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Guardians of the Galaxy is coming out soon. And you’re not going to get to see it, are you. It’s funny, how things like that are what get to me the most. I’m sorry that the last thing you watched in the X-Men franchise was the shitty Wolverine movie and that you totally missed Days of Future Past.

For a while there babe, we had the most amazing ride. I suppose to have had even a short amount of indescribable happiness is better than a lifetime of banality. I’ll forever be grateful that the last moment we shared was when I hugged you goodbye so tightly I made your glasses smudge. You made that ‘tsk tsk’ face and I cleaned them up. Let’s call this that last hug anniversary; that sounds better than any other name I can think of. 

Spicy Wombat Balls - among other things

Here are a list of clichés:

I miss you more than words can say

My heart is broken

You left me broken-hearted

I think about you all the time

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you

I'll never be the same again

Everyday I miss you more

Thing is, they're all true.
I miss you bunny love. Wherever you are, I hope things run on Linux.

Much ado About Nothing

As of late i have been inspired by - well, absolutely nothing. Nada /zilch/zero/the amount of awesome in a Michael Bay movie. What to write when you're not inspired? Well, one could just randomly start typing in the hope the something would crawl its out of the keyboard. Not that I'm going to admit to doing that now.

Oh! I bought a tablet. Let's talk about that.

It's an Acer Iconia A 830 slab of pure awesomeness. My primary requirement from a tablet was for it to function properly as a comic book reader. I love comics but living in the third world means that no one except for the filthy rich can support a comic book habit. So us lower life forms are compelled to read e-comics obtained by stealthy means. I previously had a Kindle - which sucked demon eyeballs. Not only is reading comics on a monochrome display a barbaric practice, the Kindle is so small that you have to zoom in on panels to read them. Needless to say that experiment was never repeated. I grew weary of the Kindle as an e-book reader as well - it was so unfeeling - reading a book off this cold lifeless device. For some reason reading books off the Acer is a much more enjoyable experience. It took me a while to get used to the whole 'thou shalt install apps' aspect of it. but once I had my readers up and running the comics displayed like a dream. It's a 7.99 display so a single page fits perfectly and is superbly readable. I'm glad I didn't go for the ipad (a choice I was considering because of the size) because the 'droid is way more flexible; I don't approve of Apple's prohibitive nature anyway.

 I really hope the Acer doesn't go the way of the Kindle and get retired to a cupboard after a few months (my Kindle committed suicide in retaliation). But I somehow doubt it will. I have a feeling it's going to stay shiny. :)

Genesis - or something like it

At first there was nothingness and then there was light

and then there were creatures of mien and might.

God made Adam and from his rib, made Eve

and Adam said thoughtfully, "but Lord, where’s Steve?."

A wily old serpent who slithered and spun

A tale so tempting of apples that were ‘yum’

and coerced poor Eve, who dimwittedly agreed

to eat from the fruit which grew on yonder tree.

God said with a frown ‘what’s the one thing I said?"

"Eat not the apples, but dine on that bread"

"Now you have done it! You’ve committed original sin!"

But dad, pleaded Adam, "we didn’t even begin!"

"Not that sin you fool, the one where she ate the fruit.

Away with you both, and yes, go barefoot.

Out of my garden and into the wild

and never look back until she’s with child.

Go forth and multiply, fractions will be next.

By Jesus, it’s Sunday!  It’s time that I rest."

Man of Steel - a mild dissection

First off, this not a review but a rant. As such, it's going to be full of SPOILERS. I hope you heard me there; I said SPOILERS. So obviously, if you haven't watched the movie, don't read this. You may have other reasons also for not reading this post - but spoiler averting is the only one I'm going to warn you about.

So about the movie then. Despite the best efforts of friends, acquaintances and people I stalk on the internet, I managed not to read the reviews or watch a single trailer leading up to the movie. So I didn't know a single thing about it other than have a mild awareness that Henry Cavill seemed to be able to pull off a skin tight onesie. Having now watched the movie I am sad to say that had I been unaware of a single element of the Superman mythology, it would have been so much easier to enjoy the movie. If all that the audience knew about Superman was that he had a red cape and could fly, then they would have been completely satisfied with Man of Steel because it features a Superman who not only wears a red cape, but flies. In case this sounds too harsh, that's not all the movie got right. They got everyone's names right for one thing. But somewhere along the way, between the explosions and the expositions, the movie seems to have misplaced its heart.
Look I understand that when you reboot a franchise, (for what is it, the third time?) that you need to come up with a totally different story line from the ones that came before. And if you want to mess around with the timeline well, I can accept that too - albeit a bit uncomfortably. But what I didn't expect or understand was why I felt nothing, absolutely nothing for the main character. I’m someone who already loves Superman. So for you to make me feel indifferent towards him movie, that was quite a feat. 

The first part, the part set in Krypton, was fine. Maybe a bit fantastic than necessary but hey, at least Russel Crowe can rock a onesie too. Then when the ship holding Kal-El landed on Earth I expected the story to continue - at least for a bit - along the familiar lines. But instead we are slapped in the face with a completely grown up Clerk Kent. Sure there are flashbacks showing us how he gained control over his powers and so on. But usually, in a movie, we get stuff that gives us a strong sense of the protagonist's personality. But with old CK, there is nothing there to establish what he's all about. His moral and behavioural code just seems to be what Jonathan Kent told him it should be. Honestly, what Henry Cavill doesn't do in three hours, Hugh Jackman does in two seconds using just one eyebrow.  

Then there are the little things that really bugged me. The flying - does he really need to wait till Jor-El points out the whole gravity thing? Did he make it through 33 years without jumping even once and realising it for himself? The stuff at the Daily Planet - Lawrence Fishburne as Perry White is an awesome concept - if we'd actually been allowed to watch him BE the character. Then there was that time Lois turns up at the train station. Superman and Zod had been battling it out all over Metropolis. The whole damn city was their arena and yet at that crucial moment Lois somehow figures out exactly where they ended up and managed to run there using her non-superspeedy legs in a matter of minutes.  Even the whole Lois and Superman thing felt perfunctory. 

Gripes aside, did I like Man of Steel? Well, yes, I liked some of it. The action sequences were quite nice - up to the point where they deciding leveling Metropolis was the way to go, that is.  Seriously, superman would never allow for that sort of super-battle to take place in a crowded city - he'd take it out into space. Anyway, as I was saying, some of it was alright, BUT watching this movie, I didn't feel the way I wanted so much to feel. I'll give the whole thing a generous 'meh' and be done with it.

Sandy

A friend had posted the firs line that goes 'I woke up and she wasn't there' on Facebook and asked everyone to submit a line each and help him compile a song. I decided to write a whole song - never showed it to him though, I doubt he would have been amused. :D

I woke up and she wasn’t there

Nothing left but a strand of her hair
Why did she have to go away
And leave her wig burning in my ash tray

Oh sandy

you are the one for me

but you didn’t know it
I guess i blew it
now I’ve lost
my will to live
how was I to know
it was a weave

Yesterday was our dream date
we played in the park and ate fudge cake
on the way home I bought you flowers
at a florist open after hours

We got home in the evening chill
you planted a kiss on my sheepish grin
then before I could take a breath
the sprinklers came on and got your hair all wet

Oh sandy

you are the one for me

but you didn’t know it
I guess i blew it
now I’ve lost
my will to live
how was I to know
it was a weave

Keyboard Diary_ entry 1

Dear Diary

You don’t know me yet, but you will. I have stated writing to you in a last stand to preserve my sanity and possibly the English language. All day long I have to suffer in silence while my owner abuses me to type out inane sentences that could not possibly make sense to anyone except possibly a cro-magnon. 

Today she spent the whole day browsing facebook, pausing only to comment on her equally stupid friends’ statuses. Every time she types in those extra vowels, I cringe. I wish I was a typewriter so that I could pretend my keys had got stuck. But alas, I’m a well-oiled (metaphorically – as oil would not be a good idea) machine and I can flawlessly type out garbage words like ‘awweeeeee”. I think this was in response to someone’s posting of a kitten. She clearly meant it as an accentuated way of saying ‘awww’ (which is an acceptable exclamation on spotting something cute) but ended up typing something that when said out loud indicates that you have fallen and hurt yourself; quite possibly in the cerebrum.  

I don’t understand humans. If my owner is to be taken as an example of intelligent life on the planet, then I wish someone actually would pour oil on me so that I can stop enabling her idiocy. 

So you see diary, I think I need you around so that I have someone to listen to me at the end of a hard day’s work.

More tomorrow,

Yours,

KU-0316

Need for Speed

Yesterday my mother went into panic mode because my sister hadn’t texted her in three days. You might argue that this was equivalent saying “oh my gosh I haven’t had a letter from XYZ in 3 months!” ten years ago. Only it wasn’t. It was three fucking days. You don’t need to go into a frenzy because someone hadn’t got in touch with you for three days. I gently reminded her that had something horrible happened to her daughter, or worst case scenario, she was dead; our aunts in Australia would have called to give us the news and therefore her anxiety attack was unfounded. To my surprise, this didn’t have the calming effect I anticipated.

Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking. Everything is sped up to the point where if, say, your browser doesn’t load a page in 2 seconds you swear at it for being the slowest thing in creation since turtles painted the great wall of china[i]. Despite the positive aspects of Everything Ever Known to Man Since Forever fitting snugly in your pocket, doesn’t this have the negative side effect of putting so much pressure on us, all the goddamned time? It’s like everyone in the world is breathing down our neck; watching, listening and waiting.

I remember once I forgot to take my phone to work. At first, it was nerve wracking; but after a while, the realization that no one could find me if I so much as stepped outside of the office hit me. And damn, that felt so liberating. So what if I missed a few calls and a few texts; if there was a real emergency there still were a dozen ways for anyone to get in touch with me. Imagine being back in a world where for little spaces of time, no one could reach you. A little pocket of alone-ness. Sure, you could always switch off our phone. But have you tried to? You can’t can you. The best you can do is put it on silent and then keep checking your phone twice as often just in case you missed the vibrating alert.

Technology is a wonderful scary beast. I couldn’t live without it.  I just wish we could slow things down once in a while.

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[i] They didn’t