Twishite

(This, again, is an old post retrieved from the lost blog. since i went to all the trouble to read the damn books i think i owe it to myself to upload this again)

As a testament to my will power I resolved to read all four books in the Twilight series. Now, I’d read the first book (Twilight) last year. I was curious and I borrowed it from a friend. The fact that she didn’t want it back should’ve warned me. I got through the book surprisingly fast, but mostly I think because I was wondering where the hell this was going. A few months later I tried to read the second book (New Moon) and gave up after a couple of chapter. I literally shuddered and threw the book away from me in disgust.

But last week, I firmed my resolve, metaphorically girded my loins and set out to read the 2^nd 3^rd and last books back to back. Here’s my summarized version of the books:

Twilight

Bella: “Gloom Gloom, Doom, (stumble) Gloom Gloom”

Classmates: Hey, you’re all pale and stuff. That’s hot. Can we stalk you?

The Cullens: “We’re unusually pale and hypnotizingly good looking and we have cool hairstyles and never eat “

Classmates: “We don’t suspect a thing since our characters are never fully developed.”

Edward: (sniffing) “ugh, wtf is that? ” (runs away)

Bella: “what’s biting him?”

Edward: “I love you and you’re beautiful and so clumsy. Let me sling you across my shoulders like a backpack and run all over the forest.”

Bella: “I love you too, and you’re so beautiful and I’m so clumsy.” (hits her head on a tree branch)

Evil vampire tries to kill Bella. Edward saves her by sucking the snake vampire venom out.

New Moon

Edward: “I’m leaving. You’re not good enough for me”

Bella: (sobs) “I knew all along that I wasn’t good enough. Now I’ll just cry myself to sleep under a tree in a thunderstorm”

Jacob: “Hi Bella, it’s so cool that you want to hang out. Let me teach you to ride a motorbike so that you can remind people yet again how clumsy you are.”

Bella: “Hi Jacob, my you grow a couple of inches every day and you’re so strong. Nope there’s nothing weird about you. Ooops, i fell and cut myself. Hah ha that’s SO me”

Jacob: “Can’t you guess what I am?”

Bella: “You do remind me of something, hmmm. Are you an Aquarius?” (jumps off cliff)

Alice: “OMG Bella, what have you done? Edward’s gone to kill himself because he thinks you’re dead. Let’s go after him and save him in the nick of time with not even a second to spare.

(They go off and do so)

Eclipse

I can’t for the life of me remember much of the plot (or lack of it) in this one. Suffice to say that:

1. Bella is clumsy and falls down repeatedly.

2. Edward is beautiful and still creepy enough to watch Bella while she sleeps.

3. Jacob loves Bella and is still a werewolf.

4. Bella loves both Edward and Jacob since this is necessary for future plot threads.

5. They face a life threatening situation and survive.

Oh yeah, at the end of the book Bella and Edward get engaged because Edward refuses to have sex with Bella till they’re married because the obvious demographic for the book is 15 year old girls.

Breaking Dawn

Bella: “Now that we’re married, let’s go have sex. But in a strictly PG way“

Edward: “Pfffft.” (spits out feathers after attacking a pillow.)

Bella: “ I think I ate some bad chicken.” (Hurls) “1..2..3..4.. Oh, no I’m pregnant. Without a doubt. Just because I threw up and I’m 5 days late. And oh, look, I have a little preggy belly.”

Edward: “Ooops.”

Jacob: “What the hell have you done?”

Edward. “Ooops. ”

Bella: “I’m going to keep my heart beating. This baby won’t kill me.”

Reader: “Ooops.”

Edward: “It’s a girl.”

Bella: “I want to call her Renesme because there has to be one original name in this series dammit, even if it’s a horribly bad one. At least she won’t get beaten up in the playground because she’s conveniently invincible.”

Renesme: “Shut up mum and give me more blood.”

Stephanie Meyer: (checks bank balance)“I’m so glad I listened to my publishers and drew this out to four books instead of two”

More stuff happens which is not the least bit interesting and at the end, in a totally unexpected twist THEY ALL SURVIVE A LIFE THREATENING SITUATION.