F is for ...

I was happily binge watching Poldark cast interviews when the possibility of Aiden Turner being offered the role of James Bond was brought up by one interviewer. Aiden fielded it by saying that so many other actors were also rumouredly being considered for the role.  Then Eleanor Tomlinson jokingly said that in fact, she was going to be the next Bond. And that was when I thought, oh god, it's only  a matter of time before some studio exec says 'hey, what about Jane Bond?'. If it hasn't happened already that is (I'm scared to look). 

At the cost of repeating what better people before me have said ad nauseum- why have we stopped creating strong female characters in movies and television who are not based on (or are a rehashing of) male characters? Starting from the obvious Ripley and  Sarah Connor examples there have been, over the years, quite a few amazing female characters. Of course the numbers are probably less than we would like and that is what we need to fix. And the answer is not to  create female versions of every damn thing. So no. Don't do Jane Bond. Create an original story with a female lead  - do that instead. Don't do silly things like retelling an already amazing movie but now with an all female cast (you know who you are. and I don't want to call this version of you). Do what Ocean's 8 did  -  they didn't replace the men, they just made a different bad ass team in a world where the men also existed. 

If you think that toppling the patriarchy means literally shoving the patriarchy aside and standing there in its place saying 'Here, take me instead' - that's not what it should be. By any means. What you need to do is stand upto it and say 'Here, take me also. Take me also and attribute to me the same worth'.

"Oh, when you said we need guns you meant actual guns. Sorry I wrecked the bed man. 

 

Poldark

Ye gads. Why on earth did I delay getting round to this one. The better part of most episodes had me gripping my arm rest with one hand with the other on my heart. And not just because Aiden Turner habitually misplaces his shirts.

scythes before hoes

It's like Wuthering Heights had a love child with Jane Eyre and was raised by Far from the Madding Crowd. The sap in me is well pleased. 

I am a Zogwarg hear me roar

All hell breaks loose when you least expect it. Last night the kid and I were in a really good place. We made brownies in the evening (they came out really well) and then watched an episode of Good Omens over dinner (Broccoli and grilled chicken - an all time favourite). We had moved back to the bedroom where i was in the midst of changing the bed sheets when my mother walks into the room and berates the kid for being rude to her. Now the kid has been pretty standoffish with my mother for a while now. She's in that phase of her life where everything is being ruled by her hormones and even with me she's not her best self. My mother can't deal with this. She insists on taking it personally and I guess whatever the kid did last night must have pushed her over the edge.
So anyway, that happens.

I should have let it go, I really should have. But instead I decided to investigate.

Turns out (provide that the kid was telling the whole truth) that it was a minor incident.  I should have ended it there.

But I didn't.

I got into this whole spiel of how she needs to be kind to her grandmother. How she loves her and how the kid doesn't appreciate her yada yada - the whole works. So fine, lecture done, I should have ended it there.

But I didn't.

I wanted her to respond. Now this is where I always get frustrated. Because this kid has made an art-form of listening to a lecture with a poker face and not showing any emotion whatsoever. And this really gets my goat. So what did I do? I tried to get her to respond, and of course she didn't and I got increasingly frustrated. And then I said the words I promised myself I would never say again.

"You're just like your father"

(she is, when she behaves this way. but that's besides the point)

Then I walked out the room.

A little while later I went to my study to find, in place of an old drawing of hers that used to be up on the wall, the following written in green marker:
"I hate you.
Your not my mother
DROP DEAD"

and as an aside, in smaller print:
"being an orphan would be better than this"

I read this three times. then I took a red pen and added and apostrophe and an 'e' to the 'your' and I left it. She took herself to bed. Didn't say goodnight to me. I was determined to show that I wasn't rattled (and I was in shock so I couldn't react anyway) so I said a cheery goodnight which went unanswered.

This morning we spoke - about regular things - while on the way to school. Then by evening it was all back to normal.

If I said that this didn't rattle me, of course that wouldn't be true. I spent the whole day with the words "DROP DEAD" floating in front of my eyes. But, rather uncharacteristically for me, I didn't break. I think on some level, even as soon as I saw it, I decided not to react to something she clearly said (wrote) in anger.
I spent whatever free time I had during the day reading up on that kind of behaviour, and why kids say such things. Research says that it's mostly because that's the only way they can vent their frustration when they feel helpless. So they try to hurt us or make us feel helpless as well. my usual MO is to be hurt and show her that I'm hurt. But apparently you have to show your kids that you're strong - else they feel insecure. And if you retort with anger that's a bad idea. You'll just end up pushing them further away. Once you realise it you kind of feel stupid for not knowing this all along. but I'm so used to reacting to things instantaneously and thinking about things from my point of view I don't usually allow myself time to think my responses through. I'm glad I took a step back last night and decided to figure out what to do later. Something in my gut told me that I should not acknowledge what she wrote. I think it helped to go back to how I used to feel as a kid - I've done things in anger and then instantly regretted it and desperately hoped that no one would notice. So I did the kid a solid. I didn't respond or react to it. she will never know if i saw it or not. but I think she appreciated the way I handled it. When i got back to my study after her bedtime the drawing was back up on the wall. :)

(The author apologises for overusing the words 'response' and 'react' as she was under a significant amount of emotional turmoil and couldn't be bothered to find suitable synonyms.)