When I quit smoking, i did it cold cold turkey, and I did it alone. But that doesn't mean I didn't have to get some sort of help and I went out, did the research and made sure I got what I needed. i joined an online forum, started a diary to track my progress - went the whole hog.
Just to get an idea of what the day to day was like, here are some excerpts from my diary: from back then:
January 17, 2012
So here I am, third attempt at quitting smoking. I’m almost afraid to type out the words, afraid that I will jinx it. but from past experience I know that what I do is based solely on my will and goddammit this time I will not cave. My first attempt was about four years ago. I had recently gotten married, my husband decided to quit so I though I’d join him. I’d been a loner for most of life and I think I first started smoking because it was something to do, it was like a bad boy that kept me company. But now, I thought I wasn’t alone so maybe I could do it. Well, attempt one lasted a day. No more.
Attempt two was a few months back. I was dating a non-smoker and he was trying to convince me to stop. I knew he hated when I smelt of smoke, and he actually asked me to not smoke on the days I was to meet him. And so once I started doing that it became quite a nuisance. When the first thought you have on waking is "oh, today I can’t smoke" - that isn’t the most relaxing thought. So after a few weeks of pent up frustration I thought to hell with this, smoked my last cigarette before bed, hid my ashtray and lighter and went to sleep. I stayed quit for a week and a half. Then my boyfriend had to go out of the country for four days, my insecurities kicked in, and two days after he left, I was smoking again. But I came away from the experience with one important thing ; my smoke free time was the best one and a half weeks I have had in a long long time. I felt confident, I didn’t feel embarrassed to be around people, I felt clean and most of all was busting with pride. I want that feeling back. Hence attempt number three.
I smoked my last cigarette this morning. (I was hoping to get a clean start by finishing them last night but I had too many). I suppose I could have not smoked it, but that was asking for too much. My one fear is the supermarket. It is the hardest thing ever to walk out of a supermarket without asking for a pack of smokes at the checkout. That’s where I usually cave. So for the next few weeks I shall studiously be avoiding supermarkets. I wish I had someone to support me in this, someone who would do a supermarket run for me, but I don’t. And somehow doing it alone has always worked for me. Sharing this makes the pressure greater so I will keep mum till I at least make it two weeks this time.
Here’s hoping…
Friday 20th January 2012- Day 3
Made it from Tuesday to Friday without mishap. I came upon a couple of blogs that helped me along. Somehow reading up on someone else's experiences, reading about their slip ups and most of all the way that they understand exactly what you're going through was enlightening. I also downloaded Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking and read it in one day. It's all very illuminating, this reading other people's stories thing. It makes you realise exactly what it was in cigarettes that kept you hooked, what exactly it is that you don't need and how to stay quit. One of the most important insights I got from the book is that quitting smoking shouldn't be referred to as "giving up" smoking. because essentially, you're really not giving up anything. There's nothing that you're losing or "giving up". Think of it as stopping. Stopping something that's holding you back, slowly turning you into a social pariah, making you sick, making you nervous and edgy and stressed, making the lives of everyone around you miserable because all you can think of is how to engineer your next smoke break; all that stops. So you're not giving up anything, you're actually getting something back by stopping smoking. So I thought I'd make a list of everything I've got back over the last three days.
- Free time - since I'm not engineering those around me and my own schedule around my smoking habit, I have more free time.
- Exercise - I've been going to gym after dropping of Abby at school since yesterday. I feel fit, happy and hungry - or at least one of those things at a given time.
- Taste - everything tastes better. I thought that was just one of those things people said but it's actually true.
- Waking up blues - I no longer wake up feeling sludgy. my eyes don't need to be pried open and I actually wake up feeling weirdly cheerful. Probably because I'm not stressing about my early morning smoke.
- Snacks - unlimited snacks. I realise I might gain weight but I AM regularly going to the gym and also, I don't have huge meals - just tiny snacks throughout.
- Ice cream - chocolates and ice cream were two loves I didn't need when i smoked. Somehow that ashy taste in your mouth doesn't make you crave sweet stuff. But now, bring em on!
24th January - Day 7
Day seven and counting. I'm not going to say it's been a breeze, but at the same time it hasn't been hard either. The only "difficult" thing to do is to nudge away that nagging voice that says "c'mon, what harm can one cigarette do?". The one thing that bothers me (if that's the word I'm looking for) is the feeling of "what do I do now?". Especially after a meal I am overcome by this feeling of aimlessness. I have been tempted so many times during the course of a day to just throw in the towel and grab me a cigarette. but then i remind myself that it's only that first puff that I crave. and in truth that first puff will make me smile, will make me feel happy and will make me think 'this is what life's all about'. but then the second, third puff isn't so great. By the sixth you're wishing the damn cigarette was shorter. I remind myself of this, and then I make it through the craving. This time, I'm not doing it for anyone but myself. so I guess that makes it easier to stay on track. Every extra minute that I spend playing with Abby, every extra smile that I can give her, every time I hold her without wondering whether I smell bad to her, bliss.
25th January 2012 - Day 8
So yesterday I made the mistake of telling my best friend that I'd been smoke free for 7 days. I had actually been debating whether to tell her or not. Even last time, I never told anyone till I was about 5 days into it. This time there's more pressure if I tell people because they know I failed last time. So anyway, her response was along the lines of 'oh yeah? didn't we get here before?" and for a while I was totally disheartened. But then I picked myself back up, used that as fuel for my motivation.
So the downside to quitting smoking seems to be weight gain. The first few days I ate anything and everything I could get my hands on, and now it shows! I've gotten extremely rotund in the midsection and it's not a pleasant feeling. So from today I'm hitting a new eating regiment. More salads and protein and less sweets and fatty stuff. Also, I finally started getting my lazy ass off to the gym in the mornings after dropping Abby off at school. It's actually working out great because I get in to work an hour before anyone else so I have time to hit the gym and shower just in time to meet everyone else at breakfast.
23rd January 2014 - 2 years
Two years. Didn't ever think I'd make it a month let alone make it this far. I guess the real secret to quitting anything is to do it for yourself. A good friend told me that the anniversary of the day I quit smoking is more important than my birthday and I think he was right.
So there it is. Looking back I seems to have stopped writing by day 8. I guess that first week was the biggest hurdle i needed to get over.
