Roll out! (hopefully)

So the third installment of Michael Bays CGIwankfest or, "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is being filmed; to be released in July 2011. The cast is plentiful and kinda interesting with the likes of John Malkovich and Patrick Dempsey thrown into the mix. The usual suspects like Shia LaBeouf and Josh Duhamel are also present and accounted for. Some of the autobots are getting a facelift and Bumble is rumoured to be a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro. The most talked about change is of course the non-reappearance of Megan Fox. She’s been replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and I have to agree with the IMDBer who said “she looks like somebody smacked her in the face with a shovel”. It’s like replacing a plank with a piece of driftwood. (On a completely unrelated note, does Megan Fox breathe through her mouth? Or is the weight of all that lip-gloss dragging her lower lip down?)

Anyway, I sense the there will plenty of Transformers-related discussions taking place at the breakfast table. And inevitably at some point I will confess that I thought the first two movies were crap. Every time I say this, I get this whole “you don’t like the Transformers movies because you just don’t like transformers” argument thrown at me from all sides. That’s seems to be the only argument the fan-bots seem to be able to come up with. And this, I fear is neither a valid argument not true.

See, I LIKE transformers. Transformers are beyond cool. And a movie ABOUT transformers had the potential to be a real good time at the movies. This alas, didn’t quite happen the last two times.

In the first movie, Transformers, there was actually some attempt made to come up with a cohesive storyline. Then of course they decided that they need ‘more cowbell’ in the form of lots and lots of CGI and then at this point the movie became incomprehensible. During the awesome battle, I couldn’t make out the autobots from the decepticons and when you can’t tell the good guy from the bad guy it’s BAD BAD movie making. On the whole the first movie left me feeling like a popped balloon. All buoyant and happy at first and totally deflated and cheated at the end.

This brings us to the second movie; Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. This was such a cheese-fest that my cringe levels hit an all time high. I felt acutely embarrassed for the actors hamming it out on screen. (Except for Megan Fox. I have no sympathy for her.) The whole movie was based on an abysmal storyline with a screenplay probably typed out by two twelve year -olds on an endless supply of twinkies.

So do I dare hope for a half-way decent movie in Dark of The Moon? I fear not. All that awesome CGI will just be laid to waste in the bumbling hands of Michael Bay.

The LOL That Launched a Thousand Slips

Did the internet spawn anything more annoying than the LOL? I thinketh not.

Seriously, when someone types in “I crashed my car yesterday” the correct response is not “lol”. But if, for example, you take a look at facebook, no matter what the status update is, there is at least one LoLer amongst the respondents. These are probably the same idiots who hit the ‘like’ button irrespective of whether the post is a positive one or not. Hitting the ‘like’ button does not convey sympathy you morons, it means you like what’s happened. And if someone’s dog has died, and you like it, I’m calling the AWPA.

So getting back to the LoLs, I personally believe that unless something actually makes you Laugh out Loud there is no excuse for using it. But unfortunately, there are LoLs abound everywhere we look. It’s used as an alternative response when no other response is forthcoming, out of laziness or the inability to actually put together a coherent sentence. The LoL is like the retarded half brother of the smiley.

To be fair, most people do use it as a positive response to something funny. But if you think about it, was the funny statement actually deserving of out-loud-laughter? Maybe we can come up with something more suitable like LIE (Laughing Inside Endlessly) or GUWAW (Giggling Uncontrollably While At Work). Truth be told, whatever was said on the other end probably only made you smile. In which case you can jolly well use a smiley face and be done with it.

FAQ on submitting entries for MiPhoto (or, Competition Participation for Dummies)

(Another old one. I quite liked it at the time so, yeah, here we go...)

Where do I get presentation board?

The easiest method of obtaining presentation boards would be to go your nearest stationers and ask them for presentation boards. However, if your chosen shop happens to be named along the lines of “Gunanuwana stationers” the default shopkeeper response will be “mokak?” in this instance it is advisable to seek a more renowned establishment.

What do I do if I can’t find presentation board?

In this case you have two options:

(a) Withdraw from the competition

(b) Find an alternative

If you should opt for (b), please refer the detailed instructions below.

Items required

1. Cardboard – any colour
2. Black paper – this is available at ANY stationers including “Gunanuwana stationers”.
3. I bottle of chemifix (or similar)
4. Foot ruler
5. Pencil
6. One finger

Method

1. Cut the cardboard and black paper to the specified size. You may use the foot ruler for measuring.
2. Using the foot ruler and pencil mark out the 1” margins on the black paper.
3. Open bottle of chemifix (or equivalent).
4. Using the finger, apply the chemifix evenly on the REVERSE of your photograph.
5. Place photograph carefully (glue side down) in the center of the black paper, using the margins for alignment.
6. Smooth down.
7. You can now finish by pasting the black paper on the cardboard.

(step 7 can also be performed at any stage before step 4)

Where do I find GINORMOUS envelopes?

Again, any stationary shop that has presentation boards should also have a selection of large envelopes. However, if you’re one of the unfortunates living in the locale of “Gunanuwana stationers” you may use one of the following:

• Brown paper bag
• Wrapping Paper

We do not recommend the use of news paper as the newspaper print might smudge your photograph.

How do I ‘seal’ the envelope?

There are several acceptable methods of sealing the envelope.

• Cellotape
• Stapler (when using a stapler please hold the stapler face down on the paper to avoid stapling your thumb instead)
• Masking tape
• Double sided tape (3M or any other brand)
• The funny brown tape that you use for taking lint off shirts
• Any other tape that is sticky enough to stick
• Glue
• Pāppa (for more details on how to make pāppa, please refer our accompanying booklet, Vesak lanterns for Dummies)

It is not recommended that a combination of the above items be used for sealing purposes at it would result in a MESS.

Twishite

(This, again, is an old post retrieved from the lost blog. since i went to all the trouble to read the damn books i think i owe it to myself to upload this again)

As a testament to my will power I resolved to read all four books in the Twilight series. Now, I’d read the first book (Twilight) last year. I was curious and I borrowed it from a friend. The fact that she didn’t want it back should’ve warned me. I got through the book surprisingly fast, but mostly I think because I was wondering where the hell this was going. A few months later I tried to read the second book (New Moon) and gave up after a couple of chapter. I literally shuddered and threw the book away from me in disgust.

But last week, I firmed my resolve, metaphorically girded my loins and set out to read the 2^nd 3^rd and last books back to back. Here’s my summarized version of the books:

Twilight

Bella: “Gloom Gloom, Doom, (stumble) Gloom Gloom”

Classmates: Hey, you’re all pale and stuff. That’s hot. Can we stalk you?

The Cullens: “We’re unusually pale and hypnotizingly good looking and we have cool hairstyles and never eat “

Classmates: “We don’t suspect a thing since our characters are never fully developed.”

Edward: (sniffing) “ugh, wtf is that? ” (runs away)

Bella: “what’s biting him?”

Edward: “I love you and you’re beautiful and so clumsy. Let me sling you across my shoulders like a backpack and run all over the forest.”

Bella: “I love you too, and you’re so beautiful and I’m so clumsy.” (hits her head on a tree branch)

Evil vampire tries to kill Bella. Edward saves her by sucking the snake vampire venom out.

New Moon

Edward: “I’m leaving. You’re not good enough for me”

Bella: (sobs) “I knew all along that I wasn’t good enough. Now I’ll just cry myself to sleep under a tree in a thunderstorm”

Jacob: “Hi Bella, it’s so cool that you want to hang out. Let me teach you to ride a motorbike so that you can remind people yet again how clumsy you are.”

Bella: “Hi Jacob, my you grow a couple of inches every day and you’re so strong. Nope there’s nothing weird about you. Ooops, i fell and cut myself. Hah ha that’s SO me”

Jacob: “Can’t you guess what I am?”

Bella: “You do remind me of something, hmmm. Are you an Aquarius?” (jumps off cliff)

Alice: “OMG Bella, what have you done? Edward’s gone to kill himself because he thinks you’re dead. Let’s go after him and save him in the nick of time with not even a second to spare.

(They go off and do so)

Eclipse

I can’t for the life of me remember much of the plot (or lack of it) in this one. Suffice to say that:

1. Bella is clumsy and falls down repeatedly.

2. Edward is beautiful and still creepy enough to watch Bella while she sleeps.

3. Jacob loves Bella and is still a werewolf.

4. Bella loves both Edward and Jacob since this is necessary for future plot threads.

5. They face a life threatening situation and survive.

Oh yeah, at the end of the book Bella and Edward get engaged because Edward refuses to have sex with Bella till they’re married because the obvious demographic for the book is 15 year old girls.

Breaking Dawn

Bella: “Now that we’re married, let’s go have sex. But in a strictly PG way“

Edward: “Pfffft.” (spits out feathers after attacking a pillow.)

Bella: “ I think I ate some bad chicken.” (Hurls) “1..2..3..4.. Oh, no I’m pregnant. Without a doubt. Just because I threw up and I’m 5 days late. And oh, look, I have a little preggy belly.”

Edward: “Ooops.”

Jacob: “What the hell have you done?”

Edward. “Ooops. ”

Bella: “I’m going to keep my heart beating. This baby won’t kill me.”

Reader: “Ooops.”

Edward: “It’s a girl.”

Bella: “I want to call her Renesme because there has to be one original name in this series dammit, even if it’s a horribly bad one. At least she won’t get beaten up in the playground because she’s conveniently invincible.”

Renesme: “Shut up mum and give me more blood.”

Stephanie Meyer: (checks bank balance)“I’m so glad I listened to my publishers and drew this out to four books instead of two”

More stuff happens which is not the least bit interesting and at the end, in a totally unexpected twist THEY ALL SURVIVE A LIFE THREATENING SITUATION.

Krakow! Krakow!

Men aren’t from Mars, they’re from the planet Zorg. Why? Because that’s where Spaceman Spiff hangs out and every man is Spaceman Spiff at heart.
Remember that emphatic phrase used by Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire? “You complete me” he said. What demented hack came up with that tosh? Would you ever catch a red-blooded male uttering such a girly sentiment? I don’t think so. Mind you, that sort of thing probably had women swooning in the aisles and groping for the Kleenex at the movies. Heck, I guess we all wish we had a Jerry Maguire in our lives but unfortunately Homo-Maguire doesn’t exist. Nope it’s just a figment of some crazed scriptwriter’s imagination. And seriously, where would we be if men started going around actually saying things like that? At the nearest shrink probably, asking him why Tom, Dick or Montgomery is baking cookies in the kitchen wearing a flowered apron and singing I’m Every Woman.

As hard as it is to face up to facts, we must. Men don’t have a sentiment gene. Their natural hunter-gatherer instincts prevent it. Which is probably a good thing in a way because otherwise a typical food foraging incident might have gone something like this;

Unga: “ugh eargh Bantha boh!” (Look Bantha, antelopes!)
Bantha: “greonk! Bugh wagga boing boing” (Meat! Looks like I’m getting lucky tonight!)
Unga: “geee waaah” (let’s get them)

They draw closer to their prey

Unga: “awda wada poo” (oh look at their cute little tails)
Bantha: “dinky goo gaa” (and their pretty eyes)
Both: “awwwwww”

…and the human race would have come to a sorry end by starving to death.

Women who often complain that men aren’t sensitive enough just don’t get it. It’s not that men aren’t sensitive (try kneeing them in the noogas to see just how sensitive they are) it’s that their level of sensitivity doesn’t conform to ours. When we have a problem we feel the need to talk about it. Men don’t do that. When something is bothering them they either try to find a solution to it or they will dismiss it as being unsolvable and move on – usually towards the TV. There’s no in-between stage of wallowing and crying and why-me’s for them. When they try to apply the same process to our problems we perceive them as being insensitive. Face it girls, men don’t listen. In fact, their sense of hearing is bit dulled. Why do you think, as men grow older, they start sprouting hair in their ears? It’s a defense mechanism devised by nature to gradually block out sound.

So why are men like Spaceman Spiff? Because whenever a man encounters an uncomfortable situation, his eyes glaze over and his breathing slows down as he slowly calculates the distance between the nozzle of his Atomic Napalm Neutralizer and the Graknil lumbering towards him.

The Dating Game

The elders say that when early man walked the earth, dating was a much simpler process. Man A spots Woman B squatting by the communal fire, goes up to her, grunts a few times, clubs her over the head and drags her over to the nearest cave by her hair. And they probably lived happily ever after. One must make a note here that the modern day ‘clubbing’ ritual is vastly different and somewhat inferior to this early system. Although the end result for the female is the same; a headache; in present times it does not guarantee that the male will actually get some post clubbing action.

This brings us to the concept of dating. Dating involves a series of long thought out meetings all of which are focused towards the common goal of getting laid. The how and where of these dates depend on the individuals concerned but it usually involves food, drinks and the aforementioned latter version of clubbing.

But wait, we need to talk about the pre-dating process as well. Pre-dating involves actually discovering someone shagworthy© and then going through elaborate measures to find out their name, relationship status and sexual preferences. This process is made simpler using a medium known as facebook which will allow you to stalk your prey in anonymity until you decide to make your presence known. It doesn’t end there, oh no. once contact is established, instead of simply telling that person you fancy their pants off, you need to get embroiled in a series of mind games that more often than not brings negative results. Fuckwittage inevitably ensues.

I personally have tired of this ritualistic proceeding. I think it’d be much simpler to invest in a club, or spear, hide behind a convenient pillar and wait.

Custard Pie

(To the tune of Dolphins Cry by Live)

The Taste of your custard pie
Reminds me of sleepless nights
My stomach churning I toss and turn, in my bed
Next morning you smile and say
“I made pancakes in a special way”
I’m a helpless fool
Yeah, I ate it all, in a mad daze
I just can’t tell you that
Your cooking makes me gag
When you look at me sweetly over burnt toast
I give up the ghost

Darling someday I’ll tell you why
(You’re a bad cook, you can’t get worse)
When I eat oatmeal I cry
Your chocolate cake just leaves me speechless
Eat the pasta? I’d rather die
(You’re a bad cook, you can’t get worse)

Oh yeah remember when
Aunt Jane she came to stay
You gave her breakfast in bed, and she screamed
When I asked her why
She threw a bread bun at me
12 stitches the damn thing cost me
She packed up her stuff and left for Greece
Wait for me, so that we
So that we can go together!

Darling someday I’ll tell you why
(You’re a bad cook, you can’t get worse)
When I eat oatmeal I cry
Your chocolate cake just leaves me speechless
Eat the pasta? I’d rather die
(You’re a bad cook, you can’t get worse)

Colic and dyspepsia
Recurring waves of nausea
They all constantly hover in my life with you
In a blinding paradox
You’re as healthy as an ox
When will my troubles be over?

Over…