catharsis
kəˈθɑːsɪs/
noun
noun: catharsis; plural noun: catharses
The process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.
Death, or rather dealing with death usually lasts you your lifetime. So there's no actual moment of catharsis - just a series of catharses. (I wrote this sentence mere moments after wondering when anyone would even use the plural of catharsis. And now I know.)
I lost my father when I was 21. My daughter lost her father when she was 6. I thought at the time that she wouldn't miss him too much - he had been unwell for a long time and so he couldn't do most of the typical dad stuff. But I hadn't counted on how much she would miss the idea of him. Last week we were talking about him, because a couple of his close friends were due in Sri Lanka and they wanted to visit his grave and pay their respects. We talked about this on the car ride home. She was exceptionally silent, studiously looking out the window, so I suspected she was crying. When we got home I stopped the car and turned to her;
"Are you crying?"
turns. nods. sniffles.
"Oh, baby I'm sorry." she folds herself into my arms. No longer the small person that bundled up neatly into my hug. Now it's all arms and legs.
"I miss him."
"Do you remember him?"
"Not much. But I remember that though he couldn't do much, he did what he could"
That. That gutted me.
Yesterday she and I met up with his friends. It was a wonderful afternoon. They reminded me so much of him. It was the sort of conversation I was part of back in the day when I would hang out with him and his friends. And I hated the fact that he wasn't there. Because he would have enjoyed that day.
That's what gets me. The stuff he misses out on. He doesn't know what his kids look like now. He doesn't get to watch all those movies that came since - I know exactly which ones he'd like, which ones he'd love and which ones we'd disagree on. Sometimes when I'm watching something I know exactly how and when he would laugh out loud. And I hate it. I hate the fact that he's not here - listening, speaking, feeling. I don't miss him for myself. I don't like that the world is missing him.
