Flutter Flutter, Blink

Flirting. I have never been and ever will be any good at it. It’s supposed to come naturally to every female but me? I wouldn’t even know where to start.

My earliest attempt as I recall would have been when I was around 4 years old. I was in nursery, and I really wanted to make friends with the boy sitting next to me. So to get his attention I stuck a pencil in his ear. He didn’t appreciate the gesture and complained to the teacher. Then again, nursery wasn’t the best time of my life. One time, I decapitated a doll and there was such a fuss made by all the twittering girls in the playhouse that I went home feeling like a murderer. For days I was shunned by everyone. No, nursery wasn’t a good time.

Anyway, where was I? oh yes, the flirting. So, yeah, how exactly is one supposed to go at it? From what I’ve seen girls do, there are varied approaches to the art of flirting.

1. The dumb blonde routine – act like you can’t tie your shoelaces or do simple math and the boys come a-flocking. It’s like they have an idiot radar.
2. The damsel in distress routine – pretend you need help with everything. Give out the “help help I’m too dainty and fragile” signal and there they’ll be pouring your drink and opening doors and driving you around while you go shopping for shoes.

Okay so I can only think of only two, but still, those two kind of cover the bases of all things that attract the guys. They like being needed. They love to complain about being needed yet they thrive on it. Take the neediness away and they will go in search of an even more helpless girl.

Well, I just can’t do it. I mean, yes, having a knight in shining denim* around would be nice. But I’ll be damned if I’m going flutter my ill-proportioned eyelashes and ask for help. Ask me to go talk to a boy and I’ll probably start making self deprecating jokes, discuss what movies we’ve each seen, join him in admiring Anne Hathaways boobs and end up being his best friend. And one day he will come running up to me and say “I met this awesome chick today.” And wham! I’m officially one of the guys.

So there we are. Right about now, the pencil stabbing thing is beginning to sound like a good idea…

(* can't take credit for "the knight in shining denim". stole it from a book.)